Choosing to find joy and dance in the rain

I’ve always been a positive person, I truly believe that positivity is always a choice in pretty much any situation.    Sometimes it’s not an easy choice and it takes a conscious effort to try and look for the positive, but if you take the time to look, you can find something – even if it’s just a tiny glimmer of something good to hold on to.

So when I received the news about my diagnosis, I knew straight away that I wanted and need to keep focussed on the positives, that there would be a gift or an opportunity to be found.

The gifts I discovered very quickly.   One is how lucky and blessed I am to have the most amazing friends and family helping me to feel loved, supported and not alone in this. Sharing my news has bought me closer to people and it’s help me to reconnect with old friends I wasn’t in regular touch with.   The love and kindness that I’ve been shown over the last few weeks has been incredible and I think this is the best gift possible.   

I’m also incredibly lucky to have a great medical team that is moving very quickly to help me – another gift as I’m very conscious that the health service can sometimes be a bit of a postcode lottery and so far the treatment I have received has been amazing.    And for all these things, I am beyond grateful.

I haven’t figured out what the opportunity is yet – I know the whole experience will help me grow as a person.    I’m not sure that I actually needed a lesson in gratitude and appreciating all the fabulous little things that brings joy to my days – I was already pretty on top of that – I even created a journal about it !   But I know that my positive mindset is helping me to deal with this situation and the challenges ahead.

Perhaps for me the opportunity is to share my story and hope that it helps other people in some small way – either by spreading awareness or inspiration and tips of how to manage during difficult times.

There is no getting away from the fact that something deeply serious and shitty is happening to me.   I don’t want it to be happening, but it’s happening whether I like it or not.   I can’t control that anymore then I can control the weather tomorrow!  But I can control how I choose to deal with it.  

If I spend my time feeling miserable and sorry for myself,  it won’t change anything.  It won’t make the cancer go away any quicker.   It won’t help or improve my situation.   It just means I’ll be feeling  miserable and sad while trying to deal with what’s happening to me.

So I am choosing to look for the positive and to keep my focus there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about ignoring, denying or repressing feelings, emotions and worries.   Neither am I talking about being overly optimistic and unrealistic about what is happening.   I’m talking about trying to keep a healthly balance of “this is totally and utterly pants, but there is still SO MUCH to be grateful for and pleased about”.

Being positive isn’t pretending that things are okay when they’re not.   Positivity isn’t about ignoring the storm or pretending it isn’t raining.  Positivity is about acknowledging and recognising that things are shit, knowing that’s it’s absolutely peeing it down and choosing to find joy in the rain.

It’s being grateful that you’re warm, cosy and cwtched up inside, while it’s chucking it down outside, or being thankful that you remembered to bring a brolly when you’re caught in the rain.

Positivity is recognising that I can’t currently eat the burger and chips that I’m craving because it’s too hard to swallow, but still being delighted that at least I can enjoy a Belgian chocolate sponge cake with lashings of custard.   Discovering a new food that I can enjoy when I can’t eat so many of the things I’d like to, feels like a massive win right now !  

Positivity is remembering that while things may be serious and will undoubtedly get tough as time goes on, I can still celebrate the tiny wins,  find joy in the smallest of things and be full of hope and optimistic that the hard times will be temporary and there are still better times to come.   

Feeling all the feels

But obviously it’s not just about positive emotions.   A cancer diagnosis brings with it a whole  rollercoaster of all sorts of different emotions.   Disbelief, shock, fear, worry, anxiety, sadness, feeling guilty that you’re putting others through this, helplessness, denial, acceptance, optimism, hope.

I have learned that whatever emotions come, to just let them, sit with them a while and try to name them.   Naming them helps to normalise the emotion, to give it some space to just be present, to take away some of its sting and allowing it to come and go – a bit like a wave on a beach.

Sometimes the wave hits you when you least expect.    I’ve had a few “wtf how can this be happening” moments sitting in the car in Tesco’s carpark.     And I just remind myself, it’s okay, it’s perfectly fine to be sad, upset, angry and terrified.    The feelings will come and go, it’s better not to ignore or repress them.   It would be great if they happened when I’m expecting them – but that’s the thing with emotions – they sneak up on you when you least expect it.   It doesn’t take much to trigger them.

But and it’s important but – I also know that they’re temporary, they’ll pass if I allow them to and if I take time to focus on all that is good, all that I am grateful for, even if it’s a tiny win or a glimmer of joy then things will seem much brighter.   It’s about balance – allowing the heavy feelings to just be – and then resetting, refocusing on the things that make you laugh and feel good again.

Words matter

In Irish, rather than “I am sad” they say “sadness is upon me”.   And I couldn’t love this idea more!   It’s such a simple thing, but it separates you from the sadness.  Sadness is with you, but  you’re not consumed by it.   “I am sad” assumes stepping into a role and taking on an identity of being sad, almost like it takes over you.   How much better is it to think of it like this – sadness is here with me for a while, like a visitor who will eventually leave.

And in the same way, something in me is broken, but I am not broken.  I can still laugh and find joy in the little things.      I can still have hope and optimism and look forward to a time when things won’t be quite so broken or so difficult.

And just while I’m talking about words … in French instead of “I miss you” they say “You are missing from me”.   Isn’t it gorgeous?   It’s so much more meaningful than I am missing you – it says you are a special part of me.   This is the kind of tiny fabulous little thing that makes me smile!

And I think that’s what life is all about – finding and appreciating those tiny, fabulous little things that make you smile and bring you joy.  Having a cancer diagnosis doesn’t change this.  It just makes me even more determined to approach this journey with grace, humour, some well positioned swearing and plenty of positivity.

Sadness may have come to pay a visit – but I am choosing to dance and find joy in the rain.