The early days – telling other people

How on earth do you tell your loved ones that you have cancer?

Until it happens, it’s probably not something we ever really think about – I know I certainly didn’t.    And the problem is when you’re in shock and feeling very emotional yourself, it’s hard to think straight and make decisions.

I didn’t have to tell children or parents thankfully.  I can only imagine how hard this would be and that it would obviously need to be carefully managed and very specific to their ages and needs. Macmillan and Maggies.org both have some excellent resources to help with telling children and would be a great place to start to help with this.

There is obviously no right or wrong way to tell people, I think it’s about deciding what feels right for you and for each individual situation.   This is how I decided to deal with telling people.

• I told people early on before having the full picture to prepare them
• I told people in writing rather than phoning
• I typed out a message I could then adapt for individuals
• I told groups of people in short bursts to not get overwhelmed
• I told a few key people who could pass the news on to others on my behalf
• I took time to process people’s replies before telling more people

Telling people early on

I told people very early on – before all the final biopsies and test results were in – it was my way of saying “okay so something shitty is happening, I’ll keep you updated when I have more news about just how shitty it really is …”

Some people might say – wait until you know the full picture and then tell others, but I wanted to let people know gently, so telling them in phases felt better to me.

Telling people in writing

I knew I wouldn’t be able to deliver the news over the phone, even to those who knew I had been having tests and were waiting to hear how they went, so I chose to email and text.

Personally, I like to be able to read something and take it in without the pressure of feeling like I have to give an immediate response on a call.   And so I wanted to give that to others – the opportunity to absorb the news and then reply when they felt ready.

I think this can be easier when something is coming out of the blue and going to be a shock to hear.

I typed out a general message in Word first  – and then I used it to copy and paste and adapt into individual messages.   It just kept things simple, so I wasn’t typing the same thing over and over again.     I also did this whenever I was updating with more news after test results and meeting with the medical team.

Time to process responses

I gave myself some time to tell people – so I told a few people in small bursts each day.  This meant I was better able to deal with their replies and responses.  I found that I could get really emotional reading people’s responses and to stop it becoming too overwhelming all at once, it seemed best to do it in small bursts to give me time to process my own feelings in between.

As tempting as it might feel to think, I’m just going to get it over with and tell everyone at once – it’s not so much the telling – but the taking in of the responses and reactions that can be overwhelmingly emotional.   I definitely hadn’t anticipated how hard this bit would be.       Giving myself a few hours to process and recompose myself helped it not feel too much all at once and prevented me from feeling like I couldn’t deal with or manage talking about it.

I also told a few “key” people who were then able to share the news on to others for me and this really helped a lot.

Telling everyone else

Once I had personally told close friends and family, I decided to go  public and “tell the world”.   For me, it felt like the right thing to do – although it won’t be for everyone.  I just knew that it would make things easier for me knowing that it’s “out there” and people will understand more if they know what’s going on for me.   I also knew early on that I wanted to write a blog about my journey so telling people in advance was obviously important !

“Telling the world” for me meant posting my news on Facebook and LinkedIn to my friends and connections.

It was absolutely the right decision to make for me.    I have been completely blown away by so many lovely messages of support and offers of help.   I can’t begin to put into words what a difference it has made and how grateful I am.   I know that anytime my positivity calls in sick and needs a break, I can just go back to all the lovely words and voice notes I’ve been receiving and draw on everyone’s love and support to lift me up.

Be kind to yourself – it’s okay to not know what to say

In coaching,  we learn that it’s always about looking at what is best for the person being coached – I think telling people you have cancer is definitely one of those situations where it is all about you  and putting yourself first – which doesn’t always come easy I know – particularly if you have children or other dependants.

So, whether you are the one giving or receiving the news, give yourself time to process your own thoughts and emotions and when it gets too much – don’t be afraid to say -it’s too much right now, I need some time, let’s talk more later.

And I think perhaps the biggest thing to remember is that it’s okay not be okay.  It’s okay to not know what to say.     And it’s okay to need some time.   I’ve always been someone who replies to messages (or at least tries to reply) quite quickly and I’m learning to give myself permission to not feel I need to reply straight away .   To not feel guilty if I take a while to come back to someone and respond immediately.

I keep reminding myself that this is all new to me – and to my friends and family too.   We’re all finding our way and no-one will mind a missed call, or waiting for a reply.   Don’t forget to treat yourself with the same kindness, compassion, patience and understanding that you would treat others.